- Your penis really is too small. Especially if you’re a woman. Fortunately there are lots of drugs to fix it, and thanks to the wonders of a free economy you’ll get mailed information about them every day. If you’re a man, there are drugs to make your breasts bigger too.
- Your bank is really dumb. They forget all your financial information every day, and e-mail you to ask you to remind them. In fact some of the banks even forget that you’re their customer and will ask you for the information about accounts you don’t have with them anyway.
- There are lots of ways to make a living on the internet. People will mail you every day with ways you can make money fast from the comfort of your own home. Some have already made their fortunes from their homes in Nigeria and are willing to share. Bill Gates is giving away free holidays too!
- There are lots of hopeless cases out there who need your help. There’s a dying boy who needs your postcards, and lots of chain mail letters that can change your life for the better as long as you forward them to everyone you know.
- Mailing lists with several hundred busy people on them are there just for you to send test messages to them. That’s ok, they don’t mind, honest!
- You can safely ignore mailing list unsubscription information that’s included in the headers or the signature of every message to the list, and are reposted monthly. They don’t work, that’s why everyone just mails the list directly asking for someone to unsubscribe them. Don’t worry if you can’t spell “unsubscribe” either, the mailing list software will magically work it out.
- The people who voluntarily run those mailing lists really do hate you and are out to get you. If you don’t defend yourself by slagging them off publically, who knows what they’ll get away with? They’re obviously little Hitlers on power trips.
- Consider list topics to be mere suggestions. Nobody minds if you post something about your religious group’s charity snail race to the Calibi-Yau brane discussion forum. After all, all 400 people or so will just do it once.
- If you read it on the internet, it’s true!
- Genuine Rolex watches have a really big markup and you can get them much more cheaply online.
- Those flashing signs on web sites saying “You may have a virus” are true. Because anyone on the internet can check what’s on your hard drive via a Web page (this is especially true for Internet Explorer users).
- Nobody in a chat room ever pretends to be something they aren’t.
- Somebody traded a paperclip for a house. Why don’t you try?
- Web sites have national heritage significance and should never be updated.
- When you join a discussion forum, you obviously know more about the topic than the people who’ve been there for 20 years. Make sure you slag them off to keep them in their place. (This goes doubly if you have a perpetual motion machine and you’re hanging out on Physics forums.)
- People really do want to publish your poetry in their book. Even if they haven’t read it yet.
- Axe murderers and psychopaths aren’t allowed on the internet, especially in chat forums, so it’s ok to arrange to meet people you’ve never met before in a dark alley behind the local slaughterhouse. It’s also ok to post the dates you’ll be on vacation, as burglars’ can’t read.
- Don’t bother reading terms of use or privacy policies. Nobody will be interested in selling your personal information anyway.
- Your credit cards will expire in a few years anyway, so there’s no problem with giving out your card numbers to random web sites you’ve never heard of before.
- Those random documents and applications e-mailed to you by people you don’t know could be very interesting. Make sure to open them all. Forward them to other people who may not have received them.
- Your opinions on why Microsoft/Macs/Pascal/etc. sucks are likely to be new and innovative. Share them widely.
- To ensure a prompt response, ask first before you check the FAQ or search the list archives.
- Vitriol and insults can be erased by including a
at the end of your e-mail, and nobody will be offended. - Most photo sharing sites are suffering from a worldwide shortage of pet photos. Upload!
- Your boss will never google your blog. Make sure you explain in great detail what you think of them to everyone else.
- Information on the internet, like your e-mail and web pages is sent from the remote servers encapsulated in pornographic images and is removed by your e-mail and web reading software. It’s part of the underlying protocols. So remember to remind your IT staff of this when they ask what those images are doing on your hard drive.
- Spelling, capitalisation and grammar are optional. Even on your company’s corporate site.
- aLL 7|-|e k0oL k1|}$ spe4K LE3+
- You really can win lotteries you’ve never heard of before. Or bought a ticket in.
- To send those 10 newspaper clippings to 50 of your closest friends, scan them at 1200dpi and paste them into a single Word document, then mail it out.
- Never bother to verify the source of any warnings from Police, medical personnel, or advice on which files you should delete to avoid the latest virus. Remember, you read it on the internet, it must be true!
- You can change the world. Just signing an on-line petition will help to topple despots, fix your government, and feed the world. Really, you won’t even have to exert yourself
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